Bec Dudley

Storyteller

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Resilience at Christmas while in the middle of grief

I have survived and thrived this Christmas on my own whilst in the middle of grief because of resilience. I lost my husband to cancer two months ago.

Building resilience from my childhood experiences

I have always been super resilient and this is one of the key skills you need to survive on your own. I have reflected on why this is the case? I am pretty sure it is because when I was a child both my parents were nurses and worked on and over the Christmas period. We never had a huge amount of family traditions at Christmas time, we were usually at my grans place to sleep on Christmas eve (mum and dad worked night shifts 10pm-6am) so we never woke up in our own beds on Christmas morning.

Mum and dad would pick us up from my grans and then drive home to see Santa had been. We would unwrap our presents and my parents would then sleep till lunch time. We would be on our own playing with our toys and then we would go to my dads parents place for a Christmas lunch and stay till mid afternoon/ evening and be home again to play with our presents we received. And that was Christmas done and dusted. It was small intimate and everyone got together for a few hours, but really this could have been any day of the year….

Building resilience from being a step-mum

Fast forward to when I was 22 years old and I was now a step-mum to three beautiful kids. We would have the kids every second weekend and half of the school holidays. Every second year we were lucky to have them stay with us for Christmas, this is where I started learning and understanding about setting intentions and creating family traditions.

Our Christmas day’s were simple yet heartfelt, we never had much but you better believe we spent the whole day together as a family and enjoyed a yummy lunch and played multiple outdoor games together. It was fun and 22 years later I look back on those Christmas’s as some of my most treasured memories. So if I do the math we had six of these “every second year” Christmas’ until all the kids had grown up and left home. Doesn’t seem like much now does it? But it was enough to build lasting, treasured memories.

My Family

Building resilience as a couple

Then one year I said to my late husband, I can see it being a strain for all the kids trying to share themselves around on Christmas Day – having to see us, their mum and step-dad and then their partners side of the family. How about we create a new family tradition and have a “Dudley Family Christmas in July”. This way it eases the pressure on the kids trying to fit everyone in and we can make sure that everyone meets up together midyear (everyone had since moved away and lived in different towns).

We decided to start this “new family tradition” and have no presents. Our now adult kids just had to make it home and dad and I would pay for a family outing. Over the years we went ten-pin bowling, go-karting, horse riding, a stay on Fraser Island, we rode tricycle’s on the esplanade, played board games for hours, but my most favourite was just sitting round the fire at home at night just chatting about anything and everything.

So what did Les and I do on Christmas day when we had no one at home with us? We just did our own thing, I would either cook us a yummy lunch and we would play pool, darts or backgammon or we would convince my husbands best mate to have Christmas with us. He also did not have any immediate family here in Australia but was always quite happy to spend the day with himself, now years later I understand why. I must say we also had fun on the occasions when we were invited to friends and family Christmas lunches, so many wonderful memories to cherish forever.

What is the meaning of Christmas?

This year it had me thinking about the meaning of “Christmas”. The Oxford Dictionary’s definition is “the annual Christian festival celebrating Christ’s birth, held on 25 December in the Western Church”. I am not a religious person, that is, I don’t prescribe to any one religion however I believe there is a “god, source, universe” whatever you would like to call it. I can never recall apart from religious education in primary school, did any adult actually talk to me about the real meaning of Christmas. Hmmmm, so Christmas is not just about putting presents under the Christmas tree and having a big kick arse lunch? So that we can eat ourselves literally sick and then sloth about for the rest of the afternoon and then eating left overs for the next week?

With that being said I understand why in my heart Christmas Day is just like any other day for me. I have never prescribed to gift giving. I would rather give you a hug and an ear to listen to, be present with you in the moment. And from my own personal experiences “Christmas Day” to me is a day that could and can be celebrated at any time of the year and is really all about connection and being in each others company.

On Christmas Day last year my husband was sick with Cancer and slept till 2pm in the afternoon. I felt like a child again waiting for my mum and dad to wake up so that we could go to my grandparents place for Christmas lunch. Never would I have imagined that this would have been our last Christmas Day together.

Maybe I survived this Christmas fine because I am craving my own time and being around other humans at the moment is too painful for me? I am quite selective who I see as I am learning I need to be around people who help lift me up not zap my energy. I can feel the energy of sorrow others have for me and it drains my energy levels when I have to explain that I am doing ok so that they understand and feel better for me.

I have done lots of work over the years on building my resilient muscles and a lot of this work has come from being a step-mum with no biological children (this is a whole other story to share down the track). I have also been keenly aware my whole adult life that we continually change as we age. I am not the same person I was 22 years ago and when I come out of the “cocoon” I have currently wrapped myself in, my family and friends will see I am not the same person I was before my husband died.

New beginnings

So what did I do on Christmas Day 2021? I hear you ask. I built a new fire pit [laughs out loud]. Well it’s not quite finished as I have to get a special blade to cut the brick in half to finish it off and it rained so I could not test it out yet. But I was super impressed with my efforts and I smiled and laughed to myself because this is the crazy sort of thing my husband and I would do together.

My Christmas Day fire pit (stage 1)

I have always been very independent but my husband taught me so much over the last 23 years, it was like he was setting me up for this next chapter in my life with the skills and confidence I need to carry on without him. I miss him so much and would much rather him here with me in person, but I know he is here with me in spirit still guiding me and showing me the way. I cry on the daily and I am not sure when or if this will ever stop but a marriage built on a deep connection is hard to sever even when your person is no longer with you.

Reflecting back on why I was able to survive and thrive Christmas Day on my own I believe it ultimately was because Christmas is but one day in a year. We have 364 other days to do the same thing everyone does on this one day, but very little do. For me its never been about the religious notion or present giving but the connection with loved ones.

Filling up my cup

Every time I meet with family or friends it is meant to be and my cup is refilled with all that I need till I see them again. I don’t need some grandiose gesture from one day a year to feel connected and loved, just keeping it simple is part of my love language. So to everyone who lovingly offered for me to come and have Christmas Lunch, I say thank you! For those of you who still don’t quite understand my logic and story, that’s ok, you are walking a different path to me.

Grief sucks but it is survivable if you are resilient. Click here if you would like to learn more of how I have managed my grief and for you to also build your resilience muscles. I also have an online signature ‘Life Skills Membership Program‘ that is designed to teach basic life skills needed to navigate life! You can join me there if you would like to spend more time with me and grow your life skills.

Till next time,

Live a Simple, Happy and Healthy Life! x

Dealing with Illness

EDIT: I first wrote this post ‘Dealing with Illness’ in November 2020, little did I know that a short 12 months later my husband would find his angel wings and leave this earth, leaving me behind to walk through grief and the feelings of heartache like I have never felt before. I wanted to re-share this post as it explains the very start of the cancer journey we were to take together.

Every day we go to bed expecting to wake up the next day in good health to do life all over again. But sometimes out of the blue you wake up and what was once your normal is now nothing but a distant memory. That is what happened to us in 2020! If it wasn’t already a year of forced change from our worldly normal due to COVID-19, this next chapter that was forced upon us was happening in my eyes, at least 20 years too early!!!

It took 3 months of “elimination” tests and my husbands health to decline further before he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Prostate Cancer – even saying it, it feels wrong, because he has always been such a healthy person with the only tablets he would ever have being the occasional Panadol. But here we are, ready to take this next challenge by the horns and give it a right royal crack at beating!

Dealing with illness is hard – there is no sugar coating this. It is one skillset that you really can’t do a pre-practice run on. You are really learning in the trenches as it unfolds because every human being is different and this is the hard part – every persons experience will be different!

I think back to when I have had previous family members get sick due to illness and I noticed I really kept myself at arms length. Yes, I offered help and assistance if needed (like a token gesture) and yet not one person took me up on my offer. I was kind of glad in a way as I was not sure how I could offer support with what they were going through as I had not been there in their shoes before. Now I understand why!

When someone states “I am here for you guys, you just sing out with whatever you need” for me when this was said to us, I just wanted to scream back – “What we need is for this shit to be wrong, for this nightmare to be over, for the doctors to apologise and say they got it wrong and we want the miracle that religions preach”.

I know that this thought process was not fair, but I bet you $100 there is not one person who has stood in the same shoes as us who did not have the same thoughts, the only difference is these thoughts are mostly never aired/ discussed. My husband is the true champion in all of this, he turned to me and said “It is what it is, we can’t change it, now we just need to deal with it”.

Then I thought about my Bfree2be School and how this exact subject was a module I needed to create for the Life Skills Program I teach. What a fabulous way to have my husband be part of my legacy and teach from our experience. So as we work through our journey we plan to create a set of tracks for others to be guided by. With the hope that whatever illness you or your loved one(s) are going through we can help guide you to navigate each stage of the process.

Talking about illness is heavy, but we must remember that it is from our learned experiences that it can become a lighter subject for others to talk about, share and navigate.

Till next time!

How to Have a Happy, Healthy Home!

I first wrote this post for my bfree2be School where we have a signature ‘Life Skills Membership Program’ focusing on life skills to have a simple, happy and healthy life!

What does a happy, healthy home look like for you?

Are you looking for the cookie cutter, straight out of the magazine spread where everything is matchy, matchy? Or are you prepared to just wing life and hope for the best? Unfortunately, most people will fall into one of these two options and probably spend their life miserable. But what if I shared with you there is another option that removes 90% of the stress of trying to “keep up with the Jones” and it firstly starts with YOU!

First you need to figure out what you like!

You see, a happy healthy home is built on the foundations of what you like, so it is very important to start here and spend time figuring this out. I am the first to admit that I love looking at home decorating magazines and even the home decorating shows on TV and can get ooohh, aaaahhh, (sucked in) to the consumer must have/ buy thought process… But I always then ask myself these questions – Do I really need it? Do I want to have a home like everyone else? Or do I want a home that reflects me and oozes my personality and is filled with cherished items that mean something to me?

Fun fact – nothing in my house matches! But I love it because every piece of furniture has a story and every picture or saying hung on the walls is a reflection of me. When you read the words on my walls you know you are getting an insight into my values and because they are a visual for me, they are a great daily reminder of how I want to show up in life.

Your home is a reflection of your energy.

I constantly bang on about energy and its importance, there is a reason for that. Have you ever spent time with someone and then when you left you felt like you had the life energy drained out of you? Well the same can be said for your home….

It is important to cleanse your home regularly, we all bring home a little energy from our day good or bad or we can have disagreements in the home, which is not a bad thing, disagreements are healthy for a relationship (as long as it is not on the daily), visitors also leave behind some of their energy, so it is important to regularly cleanse our home of this negative energy.

The Chinese call this Chi. Chi is the energy of life itself, a balance of Yin and Yang, positive and negative, electromagnetic energy which flows through everything in creation.

Some ways I regularly clear the energy in my home are:

  • open all windows in the house and allow fresh air to pass through daily
  • practice smudging with white sage
  • keep doors to rooms open
  • declutter daily (don’t allow piles of stuff to build up)
  • diffuse essential oils
  • regularly sweep/vacuum and mop

Do you have any other ways you clear the energy in your home?

So we have taken time to figure out what ‘YOU’ personally like, to build the foundation of your home, then we have focused on the energy of your home and how to keep it in tip top shape. Lastly we will discuss why having ground rules are super important for you to have a happy, healthy home.

Setting ground rules.

I am convinced the ground rules we set out 21 years ago when we built our house helped to turn it into a happy, healthy home. So what does this look like?

We started off with the conversation of what was it we both wanted? It was important we were both on the same page and these became our foundation/ guiding rules.

Then we came up with ground rules for inside the home for example: kitchen rules, bedroom rules, bathroom rules etc. This was especially important as my step-children lived with their mum and visited us every second weekend and half of the school holidays. We felt it was important that they could re-adjust to living with us with ease. It avoided the nagging and constant fighting over what our expectations were, remembering it was a hard enough adjustment for them living in two completing different homes.

Setting our intentions and ground rules of what we would tolerate in our home not only worked wonders for our relationship but also with our friends and family. We now have people come to visit and say there is something special about our back verandah/ yard and our home has a lovely feel, vibe to it, it is so peaceful and calming!

This gives me a heart explosion every time I hear these words! What we have done is nothing fancy. In fact our life mantra has been to “Live a Simple, Happy and Healthy life!”.

In a world where life and things tend to get overcomplicated, make your home your sanctuary – so that you too can have a happy, healthy home!

If you would like to learn more and dive deep into learning life skills to “Live a Simple, Happy & Healthy Life”, click on the link to join the Life Skills Membership Program, we cant wait to see you there. https://courses.bfree2be.com.au/p/life-skills-memb…

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